Given my newfound knowledge, that I must love me first and best, I’m doing and experiment. Instead of concentrating on a new romantic relationship, I’m focusing on bring more love into my life.
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A few small words.
Small because they’re petty and mean.
Small because that’s how they make your feel.
Small because you can easily fit them into your heart, even if there’s no room for their destructive nature.
Small is how I felt.
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The Disease to Please.
Maybe you’re a victim too? Its tentacles grasping at your values, boundaries, and authenticity? Trying to keep you stuck in place, where everyone else’s needs overshadow your own until you end up living a life where your wants, desires and dreams are just wisps of memory?
The new year began with hopes, goals, dreams and a heaping helping of determination,
It lasted…all of 5 days. I’m not proud of my collapse of will power, but I’m understanding my own self imposed limits, because that’s what they are, limits that I’ve welcomed in and made cozy on the sofa of my psyche-complete with the cushy pillow and fringed throw.
Why did I fail so quickly and why wasn’t I surprised?
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It’s empowering to shout out that you aren’t in bondage to someone else definition of you. Forgiveness gives you the strength to reclaim all the parts of yourself. It’s about letting go of the hurt and keeping the lesson, which is where you grew stronger and learned your own power.
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Why do I (and most of us) feel so badly when I hit a squirrel, turtle, or turkey, but have little remorse when I judge, gossip, or indulge in other bad behaviors? I fret over nature, but my fellow humans don’t always make my radar?
Is it because my judgement’s such second nature that when I’m doing it, I don’t even realize it?
As I bent down to scoop up Perri’s latest deposit into a baggie, I thought about how much time I spend carrying a baggie of poo around. Hmmm. Twice a day times over 300 days a year. Yikes! That’s a lot of baggies.
From there my little brain thought about how much time I spend carrying around other people’s little baggies. You know- their unsolicited opinions, negativity, drama.
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I’m not ready to let it go, it’s still too fresh. But I’m ready to let go of my frustration with myself, the expectation that I had to do something I wasn’t ready for. I could easily throw away the feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and shame.
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If you’re like me, you don’t always directly ask for what you want. You may hint around the edges, but never really look your desire straight in the face and say, “I choose you.” It’s as if there’s some unwritten rule or misguided assumption that to ask for what you truly want is just not done or even a bit selfish.
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Goodbyes suck.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a friend who’s moving hundreds of miles away, a child leaving for college, the breakup of a relationship, or the death of someone you hold so very dear.
Goodbyes suck.
Many times, it’s not only the person who you’re saying goodbye to, but the role or identity you’ve played.
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I’ve noticed that the more I try to be open to new love, the more I get pulled into thoughts about old ones.
It’s like people from your past haunt you.
The experiences (good and bad) replay over again on a loop in your mind, making you feel stuck and grinding to a halt the chance to start over. It doesn’t have to be an old lover. You can replay betrayals, hurts, and emotional pain caused by a former friend, boss, or family member. The damage sticks with you over a lifetime unless you choose to let it go.
Is there an area is your life that’s missing the mark…a bit off target from what you want?
What message are you secretly telling others about your expectations related to your relationships, your worth, your career?
Once you know your secret vibe, then take action to soften its pulse.
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I think the thing about grief is that you need to accept all it’s twists and turns, embracing the roller coaster by leaning into the pain and the laughter. Be unapologetic about your feelings and own each moment fully.
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You are depleted.
You feel stripped away of your verve, your energy, your spark.
You may feel worthless and try with all your might to continue at breakneck speed, but you body, mind and spirit have slammed on the breaks and you come to a screeching halt.
This isn’t a bad thing.
It’s your soul telling you it’s time to rest, reflect and replenish.
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You allow yourself to get sucked in. Your emotions take over and the next thing you know your spewing ugly words or being invaded by nasty thoughts. You fully engage in the drama, maybe even relishing the adrenalin hit that comes rushing into your blood. Tit for tat, and baby -you can really give it back.
The thing about being a slacker is that it's necessary.
Life is wound up with deadlines and expectations. A break from the chaos doesn't mean you're irresponsible, it means you're smart.
Usually I try to jolly myself out of ‘this life is sucky’ place, but as I mowed my lawn, I decided to stop and stay for a while. I gave myself permission to wallow. I gave it to the pity party and since it was my party – I cried because I wanted to.
Six months ago, I sat at my computer in utter despair, fear had me by throat, and I was panicked. I’ve struggled with a lack mentality for the past few decades, although in my twenties it never was an issue. However, my lack thoughts were manifesting in my savings account as a whole lot of nothing.
It was time to move beyond the internal pep talk and take some serious action. This woman couldn’t live on $250 in her savings- it was giving me heart palpitations and night sweats.
So, I’ve decided to take a lesson from my dog.
She has that one “go to” person whom she can trust and lean on. Perri doesn’t have to pretend not to be someone else, she asks for what she needs, and she’s abundantly grateful for all the care she receives. Perri’s willing to expose her soft belly believing that she will be rewarded with a lovely scratch.
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The nugget of wisdom that I gained from my wise three year old is that we all need moments to separate ourselves from the group. Whether this is to recharge our energy, hear our own thoughts, or not throttle the next person who needs something from you.
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